Starbucks’ Decision to Phase Out Plastic Straws Forces Employees to Begin Killing Sea Turtles By Hand

LOS BARRILES, MEXICO — Following an announcement that Starbucks plans to eliminate plastic drinking straws from their stores by 2020, thousands of employees have been forced to travel abroad and begin killing sea turtles by hand in order to compensate for the thousands of turtles which are no longer at risk from plastic straws making their way into the world’s oceans.

“Honestly, at first I was really excited about the opportunity to travel,” said Miranda Becker, a barista at a Duluth, Minnesota Starbucks location. “But the sea turtle killing thing is actually a lot harder than I thought it would be.”

The small army of green-aproned millennials scouring the beaches use a variety of methods to exterminate adult turtles, whose thick shells and learned fear of humans often pose a challenge. “I’m probably killing the same number of turtles per day as I was before,” said Becker, as she rinsed turtle blood off her hands in a nearby tide pool. “But it was a lot easier when I didn’t have to think about it, you know?”

“Thank God we still sell plastic cups and lids,” Becker said as she took a buzzsaw to the shell of a 203-year old leatherback turtle. “Otherwise, we’d never be able to keep up.”