ST. PAUL—The sold-out Minnesota State Fair Food Parade kicks off this weekend and will be welcoming vehicles of fairgoers until September 7th. In addition to State Fair food favorites, the highly anticipated event is set to include entertainment that will desperately attempt to distract from the depressing empty site of the fairgrounds.
“We’re excited to have special guests like Fairchild the Gopher,” said State Fair General Manager Jerry Hammer of the mascot, who is scheduled to wave to visitors while harshly whispering ‘look away!’ from the solitary Giant Slide.
In addition to trivia and BINGO, parade goers will struggle to listen to a recording of a Rascal Flatts Bandshell concert while sitting inside their vehicle for hours. Actors from the Haunted House will dance outside your car, which will distract you from the crushing desolation of the Horticulture Building.
“I think it will be cool to see the fairgrounds unoccupied,” lied uptown resident Michelle Greenberg. “When I drive past the vacant bandshell, I can pretend really hard that I’m watching a sub-par talent contest while drinking beer on a stick and waiting for my friend in the bathroom.”
State Fair officials assure the event will be super fun, as long as no one looks at the vultures circling the top of the unmoving Space Tower. When asked if the food parade is just a desperate attempt at capturing lost revenue, Hammer responded by saying “Do you want the cheese curds or not?”
Catherine Hansen started contributing to The Nordly in 2019. In December 2022, she created the audio play Innkeeping for Blight Christmas III podcast. In August 2022, Catherine debuted a new story The Great Room for Wordslingers Way at CONvergence. She is currently developing some comedy sketches, plays, screenplays, and digital experiences. More of her work can be found here: https://minnesotaplaylist.com/talent/catherine-hansen