How to Tell Your Kids to Grow Up, Go to School, and Die Like a Man

Here are a few things you can communicate so your child stops telling you that you “don’t know what’s best for them.”

It’s back to school season! Despite what “doctors”, “journalists”, “teachers” and other lefties try to tell you, 2020 is just like any other year. All that nonsense might have gotten to your kid too, but don’t worry: their brains and bodies still belong to you until age 18. So it’s time for your child to sack up, go to school, and die like a man. 

Here are a few things you can communicate so your child stops telling you that you “don’t know what’s best for them.” 

1. “You’ll know the importance of school when you get to be my age”

From birth until about 50, kids can’t see their own future. They may even argue that they might not live to see it, which is just the fear talking. All you gotta do is tell them to whip off that mask, go to school, study hard, get into college, inherit debt, enter the workforce at a deficit, and spend the rest of your life paying off the 2-8 years of school they CHOSE to go to. They will have earned it by that point, and they’ll thank you! 

2. “If you live under my roof, you’ll do what I tell you”

This technique is called the “Authoritarian Angle” which fits, because you’re the authority figure in their lives! In your house, you’re the teacher, principal, mayor, newsman, governor, president, judge, jury, and executioner. You make and amend the rules, you decide the punishment, and you don’t have to listen to their backtalk. As long as they’re under your rule, they’ll be prompt to school at 7AM every day, and they’ll answer to the pronouns YOU gave them. Simple as that.

3. “Kid, it’s time to look death in the eye”

We all gotta die someday, right? To prepare your child for their inevitable demise, simply remind them that in the rat race of life, someone’s gotta finish first. Whether death comes from this virus (hoax), being killed at the hands of their classmates (unavoidable), or suffocating on these damn masks (the REAL problem), you need to let your kid know that they have to face the end like a man. Acknowledge this freight train of fate and just accept what happens, just like God intended!

Now get out there and make Dad proud or don’t come back!