Target Announces Plan to Compete with Amazon Employee Abuse

In efforts to compete with Amazon at every level and become America’s favorite shopping option, Target Corporation has announced a plan to match Amazon’s employee abuse. After promising to increase wages for its store team members by the end of 2020, the Minnesota based retailer immediately cut worker’s hours and benefits while simultaneously doubling their workload, a move industry experts are calling both “Amazon-esque” and “morally abhorrent”. 

Tina Williams, a professor in the Carlson School of Management at the University of Minnesota, believes this is part of Target’s larger strategy.

“They see Amazon as a hugely successful and evil competitor worth emulating,” she said. “One that delivers to more than half of U.S. households and efficiently violates its workers’ rights at previously unseen rates.” 

With Target losing to Amazon in nearly every category, Target officials have decided to challenge the tech giant in the one category Amazon does best:ll treating its hourly employees like dog shit. 

Effective immediately all Target team members’ last names are legally ‘Of Target’ to encourage team unity. Additionally, the company has broken ground on hundreds of unairconditioned warehouses being built by store employees during their half hour lunch breaks. The shopping chain has also implemented ‘half shifts’, a physically impossible violation of space and time in which employees are asked to work 8 hours during a 4-hour shift.  

“Here at Target, our store team members are considered family,” John J. Mulligan, Target COO announced in a leaked internal memo, continuing, “Which is largely the problem.” 

The internal memo went on to detail a new policy in which Target Corporation gains the rights to team members’ first-born child in exchange for overtime hours. In response to the ‘Rumpelstiltskin Policy’, a spokesperson from Amazon responded, “I wish we thought of that.”

Deeming employee health and safety has “fringe luxuries”, the retailer effectively copied Amazon’s internal policy of corporate psychopathy in hopes of raising its stock price a few cents. According to sources within Target, the department store’s phase 2 plan of competing with Amazon involves tax evasion and becoming an unregulated monopoly.