Spooky season is upon us, babes! Whether you’re more of a “pumpkin patch and Charlie Brown” celebrant or a true goth thrill-seeker, we can all agree that the organizers of Scream Town are total cowards for not taking any of the following suggestions for attractions:
- The Abattoir Abyss: Like a ball pit, but filled with REAL animal guts, NONE of that fake silicone-and-red-corn-syrup bullshit. I mean, come on. If we’re not going to incorporate offal meat into the American cuisine, we can at LEAST give it a dignified use, like for getting all gross and bloody with your friends on Halloween.
- Poisoned Candy Testing Booth: Every year, my mom gets all in a tizzy because someone on Facebook shares a post about sick freaks putting cyanide into pixie sticks during trick or treating, so lets really put our taste buds to the test! I mean, Scream Town already has EMTs on location, so it’s not like it’s even a HASSLE to do this one.
- Scarification & Piercing Booth: I don’t understand why everyone’s being such a BUMMER about this one, like “oh, we can’t be doing body modifications outdoors, the department of Health and Safety would shut us down in an instant, wah wah wah” like, get OVER it, I want my face done like Freddie Kruger, and my girlfriend wants a septum ring, and we think it’d be so romantic to do it at our favorite place, Scream Town!
- Just A Room Where You Have To Talk To A Girl Named Ashley. C’mon you’re literally too scared to talk to her? Just fucking do it,m you spineless Scream Town executives!
- Alien Autopsy Operation Game Okay, so we set up the room to look like Saw, and put a life-size alien dummy on the table, with it’s chest cavity sliced open. Once you get inside, a voice on the intercom explains: get all of the alien’s vital organs out of its torso without hitting the bone. But instead of a buzzer going off like in stupid tabletop Operation, if you hit a bone in this game a NUCLEAR EXPLOSION goes off and we all DIE, but if you win you get a million dollars, and a motorcycle, and next year you get to be the Dark Lord And King Of Scream Town and they HAVE to listen to all your ideas for twisted scary attractions!!!
We can’t say we’re not a little disappointed that Scream Town didn’t consider any of these ideas, but that doesn’t mean we won’t see you all there, shivering with fright and wondering how strictly they vet the employees for outstanding violent felony warrants! See you there!