The 5 Types of Essential Workers That Will Get COVID-19 This Black Friday

We all know by now that the holidays are going to look a little different this year. Between mask mandates, chaotic politics, and elected officials and teenagers on Instagram begging everyone they know not to travel, it’s hard to understand what the right choices really are. One thing is for certain though: nothing can stop the consumerist behemoth that is Black Friday. We’ve rounded up a list of the people who make this unofficial holiday possible, and detail exactly how they’ll contract COVID-19 this November 27th.

1. The Barista at Starbucks 
Uh oh, simply CAN’T go SHOPPING without my COFFEE! When your barista rolls up to work at 4AM, exhausted and ready to earn a day’s wages because they can’t afford to not work, let’s hope they don’t rub their eyes after handling any credit cards- otherwise they’ll be kissing 2 weeks’ pay (and their sense of smell) goodbye.

 2. The Employee at the Big Box Store
Going to the big box stores as soon as they open is an optimal strategy for the seasoned Black Friday warrior. You can just count on the beleaguered stock boy breaking up a fist fight over the last Magic in Motion Elsa Doll. Let’s hope he doesn’t happen to catch any errant spittle from the two soccer moms cussing each other out as they claw at the same plastic toy. Otherwise he may end up spending Christmas in quarantine! (And where’s THAT Hallmark movie?)

3. The Small Business Owner 
You love your locally owned businesses, and after how hard this year has been, you’re making the choice to spend your dollars in your own community. Excellent! But as much as we love our tiny storefronts, the limited space can make six-foot social distancing an impossibility. The owner will be in back praying for a miracle- after all, a COVID outbreak among employees would almost certainly necessitate a 2-week long shutdown, which may cost them their lease. Keep it (your money and not a highly infectious disease) in the neighborhood, folks!

4. The Line Cook
Your yearly Black Friday tradition is a big, family style dinner with all your girls at the Cheesecake Factory. While this year won’t be quite the same, there’s always ordering for pick up! While the line cook preparing your alfredo would rather be in the safety of his home with his wife and kids, he’ll be hustling in a crowded kitchen so he can pay for his son’s upcoming dentist appointment. One sneeze from the dishwasher without healthcare and it’s all over, so tip generously, and savor that Oreo Cheesecake from the comfort of your car!

5. The In-Home Health Aide
Oof. This one’s nearly unavoidable, between the close contact that in-home health aideship requires, compounded by the necessity of taking on 2+ clients in order to make a liveable wage. So when she arrives after her shift at an anti-masker house, let’s just hope that the agency can spare someone to take care of Grandma while she fights for her life. We’ve got plenty of healthcare workers right now, right?

So there you have it, folks: the 5 types of essential workers that will undoubtedly contract coronavirus this Black Friday. But don’t let their health interrupt your shopping!