This Loon Fucks


ELY — A local favorite loon, affectionately named Ethan by the Minnesota Department of Natural Resources (DNR), has been seen swimming across Spoon Lake with more swagger than he did last summer. Saturday morning after Saturday morning Ethan has been seen gentlemanly escorting different and sometimes multiple female loons from his nest back to theirs. Based on the DNR’s data, it’s clear that this loon fucks.

Until recently, according to the local DNR office, Ethan was best known for his squeaky calls, unkempt feathers, and his multiple summers without a mate at his side.

“I think we all saw a little of ourselves in Ethan” DNR Ranger Chad Miller told the Nordly, “the dating game in the 21st century is complicated for loons. Lady loons have a lot more options because there are so many male loons hoarding lake fish and squaking loudly for their attention. The more reserved loons often get overlooked.” 

It is suspected Ethan changed his wintering home from the Florida Panhandle to the Mid Atlantic and underwent an extensive “glow up” over the winter. The confidence has shown up in his assertiveness at the local loon hangout “The Marsh”, and by all accounts in his love nest. 

“We’ve been rooting for the lil guy for years. He builds the best nests and never gets in fights” Miller explained, “but man, it’s crazy what a little self care can do for a loon. I mean this loon actually fucks now.”

When reached for comment on his new ventures into sexual activity Ethan responded “Ooooouuuuuuu ahuuu ahu oooooruuuuuuu”.