Top 5 Local Winter Beers To Ralph All Over A Tesla In Loring Park
Let’s face it – most of us could use a drink right now. Between the political climate, the drop in temperature, the constant cheap-dopamine cycle of social media, and the ever-rising tensions between working-class people and the powers that be in this country; we’re all looking for a fun seasonal experience with some boozy flair. So here’s our top 5 local winter beers to gulp down and then vomit all over a Tesla In Loring Park.
5. Grain Belt Nordeast (ABV 4.7%, August Schell Brewing Co.)
For years now, the season’s change has been heralded by the transition from Grain Belt Premium Lager to its amber ale counterpart, Grain Belt Nordeast. Nordeast boasts a low key profile, much like the low key profile you’ll want to keep while you chug this during a winter walk through the Walker’s Sculpture Garden. By the time you drink two of the iconic tallboys, you’ll be perfectly primed to expel your guts all over the Tesla that’s double-parked in the pay lot.
4. Dead Irish Poet Extra Stout (ABV 7%, Finngean’s Brew Co.)
This Cork-style stout is made in homage to the likes of Yeats and Wilde, and has the ABV to prove it. Finnegans (a local philanthropic brewhouse) claims it pairs well with both corned beef and tacos, which should give you the perfect consistency to weaponize your own stomach acid against a Model X.
3. Wizard Brew (6.8% ABV, Sisyphus Brewing)
C’mon. It’s called Wizard Brew. You’re telling me you don’t wanna take this on an esophagus joyride around Minneapolis’ 11th cheapest neighborhood, destination: a reply-guy’s dream car?
2. Cherry Cinna Mallow Milkshake IPA (6.7% ABV, Dangerous Man Brewing Co.)
Listen, guys. I know this year has been a lot. We’ve watched our communities be devastated while the rich sit back, laugh, and grow their stockpile of assets. The working class is in dire straits and it looks like it’s up to all of us to fend for our own futures, but I just don’t know if a cherry cinnamon milkshake IPA with real marshmallow flavor is going to be a lasting part of that future. Who knows though. I mean, a year ago we were all assuming that this would be a 2-week blip on the never-ending cable news cycle that purposefully operates at breakneck speed… all I’m saying is that we’ve been wrong before. For now, we should take in all that Dangerous Man’s Cherry Cinna Mallow Milkshake IPA has to offer, even if the idea has us feeling queasy enough to stand close to that brand-spankin’ new Model 3 outside the Nicollet Diner.
1. Schell’s Snowstorm (6.3% ABV, August Schell Brewing Co.)
If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. Schell’s Snowstorm has been the hurling beer for many a winter, and with each passing iterations’ unique flavor profile, you can trust that it’s a wildcard beer for wildcard behavior. Maybe you didn’t get to slug Snowstorm with your cousins on New Year’s Eve this year, but you can certainly cause a scene up and down LaSalle Avenue as you make sure that somebody’s gonna have to get a carwash. Cheers!