Upper Midwest Girlfriends Brace for the Annual Sad Attempt at Growing a Beard

It’s that time of year again- a chill is in the air, the heavy flannel has been taken out of storage. That’s right- it’s beard season. No-Shave November is upon us yet again, and men all across the region are ditching the razor and going au naturale. But not everyone is feeling the holiday spirit- amidst the scores of folks cozying into their partner’s face fur, the long-suffering significant others of the less hirsute are steeling themselves for the “Annual Sad Attempt at Growing a Beard.”

Thirty-year-old Saint Paul resident Jason Strohman announced his intent to try to nurture a beard again this year, despite a poor showing last year and every year consistently 15 years running. The Milwaukee native stated that he thought that “this could be my year,” adding that while his facial hair has usually come in patchy and thin, that he’d “heard that some guys just don’t develop it until later in life.” 

However, not everyone is so excited.

“I just don’t think I can go through it with him again,” said Lisa Nuñez, Strohman’s fiancée. “It’s just so depressing. He gets so obsessive about it, constantly asking me if it’s filling in. We’ve been together for seven years. Unless you give me a fucking marker or something, it’s never gonna fill in.”

Nuñez isn’t the only local woman whose cuffing season has taken a turn for the worse. Bartender Annie Xiong admits that when she met her boyfriend as a student at Macalester, his boyish, pathetic excuse for a beard was somewhat endearing, but now, as they have continued into adulthood, has described it as “increasingly sad to watch.” 

Another woman, who wished to remain anonymous to protect her relationship and sense of pride, described the spot where her boyfriend’s delicately cultivated mustache fails to connect to his scruffy neck hair as “embarrassing for both of us.”

At press time, Strohman reports the beard is “definitely there if you catch it in the right light.”