MAPLE GROVE – Attendees of the 9th Annual Carlson Family Reunion were horrified but not surprised that WW2 veteran and patriarch Mitch Carlson, was bragging about banging the Andrews Sisters again.
“He does this every time we get together. We’ll have a nice time catching up and he just has to intervene and outdo everyone’s stories with his alleged impromptu orgy with Laverne, Maxine, and Patty while they were filming Private Buckaroo when he was on shore leave,” said granddaughter Cindy Carlson. “Who the hell would even let him onto the Universal Studios lot?”
The 97-year-old father of six has for the last decade subjected his long-suffering progeny with tales of debauchery involving Minnesota’s most famous singing sisters.
“I don’t believe him for a second. Every year the story gets more elaborate, and ever since mom died he gets more and more graphic, like the longer she’s dead the less likely she’ll come back to haunt him,” said Carlson’s son Jake. “He stormed the beaches of Normandy and survived the Washburn A Mill fire for crying out loud. Why doesn’t he ever talk about that?”
Despite constant pleading from his family, Carlson has no plans to stop regaling them with tales of what he proclaims as the greatest sexual conquest of his generation.
“They all roll their eyes at me but I know they’re jealous. You should’ve seen me! It was a hell of a party in their trailer. I practically invented the four-way,” laughed Mitch Carlson in the midst of his third glass of bourbon. “Did you know I was the inspiration for ‘Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy’? The bugle was a metaphor, if you know what I mean – hey, where are you going?”
At press time, Carlson’s descendents were seen scattering as he began ranting how he allegedly slept with every winner of the Princess Kay of the Milky Way from 1967 through 1971.