MINNEAPOLIS – From a podium outside their headquarters, Stella’s Fish Café, the Uptown Bros Association announced that after minutes of deliberation and careless consideration, they intend to just keep calling it Lake Calhoun.
The state’s name change of the lake to its original Dakota moniker, Bde Maka Ska, is recognized by the Minneapolis Park and Recreation Board, the DNR, and the federal government, and was recently reapproved by the Minnesota House. “Nope, not us!” stated Tucker Breeze, the UBA’s spokesdude, “Travis, Riley, and I have given this very little thought and haven’t bothered to learn why the old name was bad. So we feel comfortable with our decision. Plus this new name is hard to say.”
Demonstrating histories of non-stop green lights and opportunities, the UBA explained they couldn’t see why some dumb name would even matter. When informed that the lake was named after John Calhoun, a vocal supporter of slavery, Travis Riverson, the UBAs official wingman wasn’t bothered by the unflattering history. “When I’m out there paddleboarding with my girlfriend Chelsea, I am not thinking about some old dude, ya know?” At press time, UBA members were quickly exchanging boat shoes for wingtips as they were late for their jobs at Target Corporate.