Valleyfair Plans To Open In Time For Delinquent Teens To Have Someplace To Terrorize This Summer

photo by Jeremy Thompson

SHAKOPEE — For over a year, bored delinquent teens have been trapped in their homes with no one to terrorize but their loved ones. But now, as Valleyfair plans to open, these teens will finally have someplace to release their anger.

We spoke specifically to six boys from Coon Rapids—Braden, Brandon, Brenden, Trent, Jackson, and Shane—who plan to be the first in line for season passes once Valleyfair opens. 

“We’ll probably start by throwing quarters from The Wild Thing,” said Jackson, the apparent pack leader, “or clog the slide at Soak City with our bodies. Then we’ll kick our shoes off the Power Tower and try to hit Trent in the head cause he’s too much of a pussy to ride the Power Tower.”

Although these teens excitedly await their return, most employees dread it.

“Every year, they make some eight-year-old cry, or make some old dad throw out his back because they slam into everyone full speed.” said Kyle, the dude who runs the bumper cars “I mean, I know I used to be one of these kids, but at least in my day I didn’t harm anyone. Just spit at pedestrians from the top of the Power Tower .”

However, there is one employee who anxiously awaits their return: the man who sells airbrushed flat brimmed hats.

“They are our main customer base. Without them, I wouldn’t be able to feed my kids.”