In a live-streamed address today, Governor Walz announced he will ease restrictions on pyramids, stone altars, and earthen structures made for human sacrifice, allowing them to open statewide, provided they follow strict safety guidelines. Establishments will be required to operate at 50 percent occupancy and submit concrete safety plans to ensure they can appease the wrath of the gods with offerings of still-beating human hearts in a safe and orderly manner.
“While our fight against coronavirus is far from over, it is vitally important to try to retain some sense of normalcy,” said Governor Walz, “and if that means making sacrifices—whether to Ba’al Hammon, Huitzilopochtli, or even just the concept of capitalism—we should try it.” Walz explicitly excluded death races, gladiatorial games, Thunderdomes, and other bloodsports from his list of allowed businesses, saying “we have to start slow”.
According to the new rules, all sacrificial victims, high priests, and members of the crazed crowd baying for a cleansing shower of human blood must stand at least six feet from one another at all times. Masks must also be worn by all present, whether their heads are currently attached to their bodies or tumbling down pyramid stairs. All swords, clubs, and shards of obsidian must be thoroughly disinfected between uses.
Government guidelines also state that any deities wishing to descend from the heavens and reveal their fearsome visage during sacrifice proceedings must first provide documentation that they tested negative for COVID-19.
“Just this morning, Moloch rode a fiery chariot through a drive-thru test facility in Hennepin County and is currently in quarantine awaiting results,” announced Governor Walz.
Some Republicans and commentators have expressed concern with the measures.
“These restrictions are an outrageous example of government overreach,” said former congressman Jason Lewis in a lengthy Facebook post. “How many hoops should a small mom-and-pop run temple have to jump through just to be able to slowly roast a man to death in a sacred bronze pot to the glory of the Great One?”
At the conclusion of his address, Governor Walz thanked all soon-to-be victims of human sacrifice, calling them “heroes” and ordering the National Guard to perform a flyover in their honor.