Medusa: Actually, Salons ARE Essential if Your Hair is a Writhing Mass of Snakes

As our state loosens shelter-in-place restrictions, I am furious that salons are still not considered “essential” and that the closest we may get is some contrived curb-side service work-around. As someone whose hair is made of a writhing mass of serpents and whose visage literally turns men to stone, curb-side salon service is simply not an option for me.

I have never been the most “politically correct” person (YOU try respecting policy-makers who literally equip a mortal to decapitate you just for some love quest) so I am not afraid to say that the care and grooming of the snakes adorning my head is at just as important as the lives of mortal men. I would ask you to consider the ways in which the response to this pandemic have failed to include Gorgons like myself.

Personally, I’ve worn a full face mask since long before it was mandated for all of our protection- you try getting cash back at Target when the very sight of you has turned the cashier to stone. All I ask now is that our mortal administration consider its citizens who have living snakes for hair.

Do not think me insensitive. I witnessed the Plague of Athens; I saw the dead in the street as the living ceased to behave with honor, no longer concerned with longevity or reputation. But I’ve held my peace on this for as long as I can; my manageable mane of garters have grown to full boa constrictors and now my lack of access to my herpetological salon (Gørg in The Galleria) is causing serious neck and back pain.

Salons—especially those with specially positioned mirrors to protect staff from turning to stone by gazing directly upon me—are a critical piece of our infrastructure and a crucial service for us Gorgons. I ask our governor: how many strongly worded letters does a serpent-headed Gorgon gal need to write to get some Zeus-damn change around here?