WAYZATA — Along with the colorful leaves and light breezes fall is bringing changes not only to the weather, but also to the suburban youth that base their entire personalities on the weather.
Only a few days ago, local teens had been enmeshed in Caucasoid summer activities: enjoying hard seltzers on Lake Minnetonka, appropriating most cultures, and shout-singing along to their TikTok Hits playlists. However, in just a few days’ time, these teens would start to sing a different tune.
Just before midnight on Monday, scores of Wayzata teenagers were reportedly found outside in front of their homes, chanting in unison at the waxing crescent moon.
“It was terrifying,” said Laura Gustafson, a concerned Wayzata parent. “I went outside and I’m not sure I heard it right, but it sounded like they were saying, ‘Something old, something new, say goodbye to daddy’s pontoon, hello to Starbucks®️ Pumpkin Cream Cold Brew.’ And they were reciting it over, and over, and over again.”
Laura’s daughters, Keighdee and Carrleigh Gustafson, were two of the hundreds of teenagers involved in the autumnal midnight ritual. The ritual also included the season’s first bonfire, where the teenagers wore Chukkas and riding boots, and threw their Birkenstocks and Nike Air Force Ones into the fire to fuel the flames.
“Boats and Claws definitely do not slap anymore,” said Keighdee. “And if it don’t slap, it must burn.”
Her sister, Carrleigh, is in agreement. “As we have been commanded by Crisma, the Autumn Witch that controls the season, it is nigh time that we devote ourselves to cozy scarfs, pumpkin spice lattes, and daydreaming about getting engaged at 22 at an apple orchard, and hopefully no later because then we’d be, like, old”.
As the teens’ bodies contorted and convulsed in the final stage of transformation to their full fall selves, eyes rolling back in their heads, foam bubbling out of their mouths, they shouted in one voice:
“And I can’t WAIT for Christmas”.