As the COVID-19 pandemic continues to rage, taking away the lives of thousands, and more tragically, the passive incomes of dozens of landlords. That’s why the Twin Cities Landlord’s Alliance has decided to evict the entire city of Minneapolis from the premises.
“If you can’t pay, you can’t stay,” quipped Ben Grinstead, head of the Alliance. “This organization’s aim is keep landlording a trade as good as plumbing without the actual labor, and to put a stop to freeloading tenants.” We met him in his Plymouth mansion, draped across a leather couch while wearing a white robe. “It’s not our fault most businesses in the city have either furloughed or completely laid off big chunks of their employees. You should have planned for this! Rules are rules.”
He went on to describe the process while being fed grapes by a flaxen-haired maiden and fanned by Mayor Jacob Frey. “We’ll first post the notice on the Grain Belt sign overlooking downtown, so everyone can see it. Then they’ll have 24 hours to vacate the premises – not one single freeloading soul should be left in my city.” Effective October 1st, everyone in the city is to vacate the premises. That includes tenants, business owners that chose to close, people experiencing homelessness, brewers, and the Minnesota Lynx.
When asked who would be moving in Minneapolis’ stead, Grinstead said “A big fucking condo.”