4 Delicious New State Fair Foods That Prove God Is Dead

Photo by Tony Webster

After a year off, millions of Minnesotans are craving fair food like never before. Thankfully, the Great Minnesota Get-Together outdid themselves this time, announcing 26 delectable new food items. Here are four of the most fun, creative options that are not only sure to delight but whose decadence also prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that God is dead and for better or worse, humanity is completely and utterly on it’s own from now on.

The Blue Raspberry Blitzed
A pastry filled with a UV Blue Vodka-infused berry blend and topped with literal cotton candy sugar, the Blue Raspberry Blitzed is a dessert that combines the tartness of raspberry, the sweet sugary delight of cotton candy, and hints of the exact alcohol brand that nearly killed you on several separate occasions in college to create a dish whose unrestrained hubris pounds the final nail in God’s proverbial coffin.

The Spufull Puff
A glob of mashed sweet potatoes blended with cream cheese, wrapped in dough and fried. A debauched and depraved treat if there ever was one. Surely if there was a god that resembled in any way the loving, omniscient described by the Abrahamic faiths, he’d have long ago put us out of our misery with a cleansing fire. Perhaps god is dead. Or perhaps the god that created us is as unaware of our wretched existence as a soaring eagle is of a deep sea angler fish prowling the Mariana Trench. Who is to say which thought is more terrifying?

The I-Scream Nordic Waffle Sandwich
2 Thessalonians 1:9 describes hell as a domain “away from the presence of the Lord and from the glory of his power”. The State Fair’s website describes the I-Scream Nordic Waffle Sandwich as an “ice cream cookie sandwich, crunchy kettle corn and chocolate drizzle with sprinkles all wrapped in a Nordic waffle”. By replacing God with hedonism, we’ve rendered all creation hell. I scream, you scream, we all scream – begging for forgiveness –  but our existential shrieks echo through an empty and desolate heaven long ago abandoned.

The Buffalo Chicken Doughscuit
A fluffy biscuit-style doughnut stuffed with shredded chicken, sweet & spicy buffalo icing and topped with bacon bits, the Buffalo Chicken Doughscuit’s vulgar lavishness is, in its own extravagant way, as damning an indictment of our foul species as the Exxon Valdez oil spill or the Salem Witch trials. It’s existence shatters St. Thomas Aquinas’s celebrated five proofs arguing for God’s existence like a stale doughscuit hurled through a stained glass window by a batting cage pitching machine.

Well, there you have it! Four mouthwatering treats that prove that any loving god has surely died and will likely taste amazing! See you at the fair!