Anoka Church Really Overdoing It with New Fog Machine

Multiple sources are reporting that Faith Baptist Church in Anoka has recently purchased a brand new Chauvet Hurricane 1301 Pro Fog Machine in an effort to compete with more popular, “hipper” churches and is seriously overusing it.

The new fog machine is one of several updates made by worship pastor Ken Carlsen, 35, who visited the thriving Dream City megachurch while on a trip to Phoenix last month and came away with some exciting new ideas for his 150 person congregation. Carlsen has since changed the worship team’s dress code from “formal” to “distressed jeans and flannel”, song lyrics projected onto the stage are now in Futura Bold instead of Comic Sans, and the guitar player is in the process of growing a soul patch. 

“Of course, we couldn’t afford any spotlights because I spent everything on the fog machine so for now, I’ve got Ethel up there waving around a flashlight,” said Carlsen, “but what we lack in lighting effects we certainly make up for by turning our fog machine up to its absolute highest setting!”. 

Despite the rather lukewarm reception to his new additions, Carlsen still has big plans for the future. “One day, I hope to get a second, smaller fog machine for use in Sunday school because as of now the production value of ‘Jesus Loves the Little Children’ performances is seriously lacking,” said Carlsen, “and I’m hoping to work up the courage to ask Senior Pastor Donaldson to change our name to something more trendy like ‘LifeBridge’ or “GraceCreek’ or ‘HopePoint’”.

At press time, the church’s Senior Pastor, Virgil Donaldson, 83, could not be reached for comment due to being hopelessly lost somewhere behind an impenetrable wall of still lingering fog.