Christian Teenagers Beware: Cold Weather Not an Excuse to Hold Hands!


Dear Youth,

We understand that the temperature is getting cooler (despite the liberal media’s insistence to the contrary). In your search for warmth, you may be tempted to interlock fingers with members of the opposite sex. But beware, children, for these proclivities will surely lead you down a path of turmoil and unrighteousness, for it is a tacky public display of affection, but more importantly a SIN.

Pay you no mind to the teachers who might call attraction “biology” and the feeble-minded parents who say hand-to-hand contact is “innocent.” Make no mistake, hand-holding is the devil’s gateway drug, and like reefer drugs, it is the first step on the road to Hell. Brothers and sisters in Christ, we forbid you to give in to your baser instincts when it comes to warmth instead look inward, for those that are truly righteous have the warming embrace of the Lord. Remember: abstinence starts at the hands.

Fear not, ye arrows of the Almighty’s quiver, all is not lost. Those that choose a life of abstinence choose a life of God’s warmth. Those that choose the sordid heat of another’s palm, however, will be lost in the abyss of hell’s unending frigidity. Oh, you didn’t know hell could be COLD? You naïve sheep led astray: all is possible in the Lord’s fury. If you seek the temporary pleasure of grasping a warm appendage you shall receive eternal damnation.

We say all of this in Jesus’ name – Amen

Pastor Steve