MINNETONKA — Mrs. Lockhardt’s homeroom class hamster, Ripley, has identified which student will most likely be responsible for his death as weekend care duties are rotated throughout the class roster this school year.
Mrs. Lockhardt’s weekly tradition of selecting students by drawing a name out of a hat has now become a sordid game of Russian roulette for Ripley, who has been a fixture of Lockhardt’s class since last school year.
“We’ve never really had a problem with students taking care of Ripley. Everyone is always excited at the opportunity,” stated Lockhardt, “But I caught Greg trying to poke Ripley with a toothpick on the first day of class, so I’ll be keeping an eye on him.”
Gregory Corbin, whose t-shirts regularly feature skulls, bones, and a variety of tribal design elements, has become a fast favorite to either accidentally or deliberately expose Ripley to any number of irresponsible situations while under his supervision.
“Once that edgelord takes me back to his place, you might as well start arranging a closed shoebox funeral. Because there’s no way I’m coming back in one piece.” Ripley claimed while chain-smoking adorable little cigarettes. “I’ve had a good run I guess.”
It’s unsure who stands to inherit Ripley’s estate, which includes: an exercise wheel, a significant amount of wood shavings, and what is left of the food pellet supply stored underneath the classroom sink. Rumors speculate that Ripley recorded a video will over an old episode of The Magic School Bus on VHS.