Cool Retirement Home Announces “Vaccinated Only” Orgy

DETROIT LAKES — As the state continues toward vaccinating its most vulnerable, Up North Cabins Retirement Facility, located near that Zorbas on the Lake, has created a safe haven for seniors to live out their best lives with it’s “vaccinated only” orgy policy. 

The goal of the orgy policy, according to a misplaced Facebook comment to a grandchild that should have been a direct message, is to “uphold the values that all retirement communities swear by: providing a free-for-all sex playground where you can safely plow and get plowed to your heart’s content”.

Johansen Jameson, program manager for the facility and according to DirtySeniors.gov, a “total babe like someone out of Baywatch,” shared more about the inception of the policy.

“Let’s not be delusional here – we know what happens at these places. After raising kids, having a career and somehow not losing their 401k to some mid-life crisis, these individuals come here for one reason and one reason only – to become total sex deviants.”

The current residents are thrilled by the new developments. Astrid Menge, 75 and thriving, shared that she has been meeting all of her Apple Watch exercise goals with her involvement in the septuagenarion sex fests. “It has challenged me to stretch in ways I never knew I could and I have never felt as connected and bonded to a community as I do now”.

However, there are some residents who are frustrated by the exclusivity of this new policy.

“This is bullshit. What about us still waiting for our vaccine appointments?” said Eunice, age 82. “How am I supposed to concentrate on the Tuesday crossword when I know Ethel is getting a train run on her in the Whips and Leather Room?”

Jameson shared that they are working on alternatives for those in the facility who have yet to be vaccinated.

“We’ve been scheming up contact-free sex activities, such as orthopedic gloryholes. One of the seniors suggested a circle jerk room that has designation jerking areas that are six feet apart and with clear shower curtains separating people so you can still get that communal sex energy but not worry about if what leaves your body might get on someone else. A lot of people like the idea.”

Off the heels of this pilot program’s success, the facility plans on implementing it to its sister community at Snow Birding Retirement Plaza and doing pop-up events at local churches and polling places.

“We want to come where the people are,” stated Jameson.