ST CLOUD, MN – Pointing out that it considers itself “a pretty good catch” and “a chill guy to be around”, a deceased 6 pound, 14 inch long smallmouth bass featuring prominently on a St Cloud man’s Tinder profile is disappointed in how few matches its brought in.
The Bass has been front and center on 26 year old Blake Hughes’ tinder account for over two weeks, alongside images of Blake next to his step dad’s Dodge Ram, in a high school letter jacket looking pensive on a railroad track, and next to a neon sign that just says the word “beer”. So far, there have been only four successful matches.
The insecure bass, who’s body now exists mounted on a wooden plaque, was born and eventually caught in Mille Lacs Lake earlier this year.
“Look, I know I’m not one of those fancy dead deers or dead bears, but I’m an above average sized dead smallmouth bass, damnit, and that should count for something,” said the fish, “plus I gave up quite a fight when I was caught which proves this Blake guy must be super buff”.
Blake’s tinder profile also includes such text as “Just a Jim looking for my Pam”, “6 ‘1…because I guess that matters nowadays”, and an unexplained string of bacon emojis. “Maybe if he added my height to his profile also we could get a few matches,” the Bass wondered aloud, “or maybe if he offered to take me off the wall and bring me along on the first date? If I don’t get these numbers up, I could get replaced with a pike or a bass and I don’t know what I’d do…”
At press time, Blake messaged Sarah, one of his four matches, with the opening line “hey”.