ST CLOUD — Craig Whitman, 48, has been refreshing Ilhan Omar’s twitter page on his desktop all day just waiting for her to tweet a Christmas greeting so he can be among the first to post a horrifically hate-filled response.
“I’ve already got it written in google docs so I can just copy and paste as soon she says it,” said Whitman of his upcoming post, which is too stupid and racist to print on The Nordly. “I didn’t want to freeze up from all the pressure or slam my fist on the keyboard in a rage and end up tweeting a string of random capital letters like when she wished everyone a happy fourth of July.”
Sources say Whitman has been alternating between browser tabs of Omar’s Twitter page, a half-finished application to the St Cloud Police Department, and a Reddit community for men whose children hate them – since 7 AM.
Whitman has reportedly only stepped away from his computer once to refill his mug of Info Wars-endorsed PatriotBlend organic coffee and once to stare at his own reflection in the bathroom mirror just long enough to wonder “what is wrong with me?” before immediately answering, “nothing. It’s all them.”
At press time, Whitman had opened a new tab and typed “AOC foot pics??” into Bing.