Listen, we all need a little eye candy once in a while, right? A sweet treat that you don’t eat that you might see walking down the street? Then look no further because while you might not be meeting anyone under the mistletoe this holiday season, you might see these six snowpeople in Minneapolis and St. Paul who could honestly get it!
1) Vikings Fan Snowman (Fremont Ave S & W 28th St)
At first glance, you might just think this is a regular snowman wearing a Vikings jersey but you’d be SNOW WRONG! This guy might like his team, his boys and his beer but underneath all of that he just wants to understand why you think Succession is a good show, because there aren’t any swords in it. He doesn’t get it but he wants to get what you get because it means so much to you. Absolute himbo king!
2) Crust Punk Snowman (NE Lowry Ave & Lincoln St NE)
Yeah, this one gets under your skin like that bit of winter ecezema by your elbow that never quite heals. He’s dirty (he’s basically made out of street snow) but he ignores just enough of your texts to make you absolutely devoted to him. Plus, we heard that he gives AMAZING plow! This snow guy wears coke bottle glasses, a My Bloody Valentine shirt and cares deeply about his bike that he talks about constantly but doesn’t actually ride. You’d even pretend to like the Replacements for this snowman if it means getting plowed by this dude!
3) Carlson School of Business Snowman (Portland Ave & S 2nd St)
This one will absolutely put you in a growth mindset if you catch our snow drift ;)! Sure, this snowman wears a button down shirt every day of the week and his stick hand is literally glued to his cellphone but believe you me when the 9:00-5:00 is done, this snow dude is ready for fun! He might tell you about some of his stocks that are worth a hundred grand but will still (respectfully) demand to explore your winter wonderland. Sometimes, snow greed is good!
4) Bar Owner Snowman (Monroe St NE & Spring St NE)
Looking for a way to make your spirits bright? Then take a seat at the snow bar next to this guy who keeps his mugs frosty and the libations…libidinal! This snow guy always has a bar towel slung over his shoulder not only because it’s frozen in place but because he will always keep his snow bar clean! While this tender barman may not have ears, he’ll be there to listen and let you cry into his flannel. You’ll want to go to the place where this snow guy knows your name…and your number!
5) Architect Snowman (N 1st St)
Sometimes we’re looking for someone who seems like they understand the grand design, someone who could make a snowfort that’s going to last for more than a week. Then do we have the snowman architect for that job! His figure is structurally sound and his perfectly rounded snow spheres will have you swooning. Sure, he’ll explain to you how now New York is actually overrated for reasons that are definitely not because he couldn’t get a job there and tell you which coffee is correct but he can draw up plans for your body that will have you feeling Frank Lloyd RIGHT!
6) The Snowman Next Door
After the long, cold days ahead maybe you’re looking for a snow thing that hits a little closer to home. If that’s the case, then we’ve got those most non-threatening, gentle snowman in town! A carrot nose, two eyes made out of coal, and a tasteful little striped scarf will have you hankering for what’s been there the whole time! His snowballs stack up to just the right height and your parents will like him immediately. This snowman may not be the most exciting on your block but he’d buy tampons for you, no questions asked. Now that’s a snow keeper!
Be on the lookout for these snowmen about town who make Frosty look like a total cuck. And remember, even when the snow is melted and there will hopefully be a vaccine, these snow hunks will be back again someday!