Fuck It, We Can Say Whatever We Want: The Entire United States Synchronised Swimming Team Is From Thief River Falls And They Just Brought Home The Gold

Way to go, Minnesota! Both the United States Men’s and Women’s 2020 Olympics Artistic Swimming Teams are from Thief River Falls and they just won gold!

Some say that artistic swimming (formally known as ‘synchronized swimming’)  is ‘weird’ or ‘not a real sport’ or ‘so little viewed that a news source could just say whatever they wanted about it and no one would bother to fact check them’, but these talented Minnesotans prove all of that wrong!

The US team shattered the previous world record with a perfect score of 1,000, beating the Republic of North Macedonia in the finals, which is extra impressive because North Macedonia is known for its artistic swimmers. They’re basically like the Soviet Gymnastics team of doing dances in a pool. In fact, the audience was so surprised that the US beat them that everyone stood up and cried. It was incredible. Don’t Google video of it though. The, uh, cameraman wasn’t allowed inside because of COVID precautions so they couldn’t capture any video of it. Sucks, huh? I guess that’s just 2021 for you!

All 50 inspiring-as-hell team members grew up together in Thief River Falls in a huge mansion. They were all adopted by an old British man who looks like Alfred from Batman and he taught them all to synchronize swim. At first they hated it and wanted to be normal like the other kids at Thief River Falls High School who mocked them by calling them ‘aqua dorks’ but eventually they realized to love the sport and its power to inspire and bring out the best in humanity.

All 50 of them also have their own cute pet pugs and the pugs went with them to the Olympics on the plane and – actually, you know what? That might be going too far. Forget the pug thing.

“I’m so proud of this gold and I can’t wait to bring it home to the wonderful city of Thief River Falls where I am from,” said the captain of the swimming team, Mr. uh… Sven…uh… Svenson, yeah, Sven Svenson, – that’s his name – after learning they’d won.

“We dedicate this win to you, Minnesota! And also to The Nordly,” he added, humorously biting his team member’s gold medals like an old prospector.

Congrats to the entire team! Keep it up, Minnesota!