Governor Walz Extends Winter Until July

In a further attempt to limit the spread of the coronavirus, Minnesota Governor Tim Walz issued a new executive order that moves the start of spring from April to July. 

“While we understand that this may bring a lot of hardship, we know that once temperatures get above 50 degrees, Minnesotans mindlessly flock to the outdoors like moths to a flame” said the governor at a press conference. 

“That’s why we’re reinstating the miserable, frigid conditions that make this state the 7th circle of hell for the better part of the year” Walz continued. “So you asshats don’t start pontooning during a fucking catastrophic plague.”

The order instructs area clouds to start developing 3-6 inches of snow over the next week, as the state slowly turns down the Big Red Thermostat, located in the governor’s office. The current plan is to drop temperatures down below “Tears Freezing” to around the level of “Witch’s Tit”. 

Officials across the state are already hard at work to restore the environment to a true Minnesota winter. The state’s Department of Natural Resources has begun tearing off leaves from trees, and pushing blooming flowers back into the ground. In Greater Minnesota, they have begun the practice of knocking out bears and other mammals with chloroform to put them back into hibernation. In the Twin Cities, mayors Jacob Frey and Melvin Carter have also preemptively announced snow emergencies and have already begun towing cars. 

While interfering with the earth’s axial tilt is an unprecedented move by a state government, Walz hopes that it will stop Minnesotans from mindlessly congregating outdoors during a goddamn pandemic.