MINNEAPOLIS — Following the guilty verdict in the Derek Chauvin trial, Minneapolis Mayor Jacob Frey is reportedly excited to finally get started on city governance now that the sinister scourge of racism has at long last been dealt a fatal blow.
“Good riddance, racism! I, for one, will NOT miss you” said Frey in a series of tweets earlier today, “I’ve had so many good ideas for this city but couldn’t get any of them done because I’ve been busy the last two years fighting racism by bowing my head sadly, saying ‘I’m listening and learning, and asking Tim [Walz] to send in the National Guard to help out by driving around in their anti-racism tanks.”
Frey added “I even had to put work on hold to go a protest last year!”, referring to the time he walked out of his condo wearing an “I Can’t Breath” mask to meet a crowd of protesters, refused to defund the police, was booed, and then walked back inside after about four minutes.
“Now that our long national nightmare is finally over, Mayor Frey can’t wait to start work on his major policy goals unimpeded by having to pretend to care about racism,” said policy aide Shelly Pierce, “goals such as ridding the city of the unsightly homeless, building expensive high rise apartments, and doing literally whatever the police union asks him.”
Sources close to the mayor’s office say that since the guilty verdict, the spring in Mayor Frey’s step has returned and he is ready to hit the ground running. In preparation for what he believes will be a new phase in his mayorship, Frey has purportedly been spending the last few days clearing his mind of that whole racism deal by running in place in front of a mirror, wandering outside his office and telling pedestrians “[they’re] the real heroes”, and dancing awkwardly but with a knowing “aw-shucks” look on his face.
At press time, Frey was on the phone with the Costco bakery department asking if they could write “Congrats on ending racism, Jacob! From your best friend, Melvin” on a marble sheet cake and deliver it to his office discreetly.