MINNEAPOLIS — Hoping to increase his likability going into the upcoming election, Minneapolis mayor Jacob Frey has announced he’s taking a month-long sabbatical to focus on learning how to toss a quarter into a jukebox from across the room.
“A lot of people who used to think I was cool in 2017 are against me now for superficial reasons like ‘how I’ve been governing’” said Frey, “but those people will come back around when they see me saunter hip-first into a room, lower my Ray Bans, give a little wink and a ‘heya toots!’ and flick a quarter clear across the room directly into a jukebox already set to play Little Richard’s ‘Tutti Frutti’.”
Frey says he will lock himself alone in a cabin in a remote undisclosed location completely cut off from the outside world with nothing but a jukebox, a single quarter, drinking water, and a supply of lightly salted rice cakes, for the entire month of July.
When reporters asked what he will do if 31 days is not enough time to teach himself how to consistently toss a coin into a 3-millimeter tall slot from over 20 feet away, Frey stared determinedly into the distance for a moment before declaring in a gravely serious tone, “failure is not an option”.
Should he complete his undertaking before August 1st, the mayor has said he will spend the remaining time practicing other cool moves like rolling a coin around on his knuckles, getting the jukebox to change records by hitting it with his elbow, and doing a quadruple standing backflip.
While he’s away, Frey has appointed close personal friend Police Chief Medaria Arradondo as interim mayor, with the National Guard providing backup.