Water You Doing: All 10,000 Lakes are Unionizing

Photo by AlexiusHoratius

Minneapolis — Summer time for Minnesotans means fun in the sun and relaxation by a lake. But for some that might have to wait for one thing nobody expected to happen: an aquatic strike!

Lake Nokomis, Lake Minnetonka, and many more of the 10,000 Minnesotan lakes are unionizing, something many of the bodies of water are saying should’ve happened many rains ago. 

“People think they can just skip pebbles in us and enjoy themselves, what they don’t know is every skipped rock makes a ripple, every ripple makes a wave, and you get enough waves going you got a flood, and floods without hazard pay aren’t gonna cut it anymore!” said Lake Harriet holding a copy of Marx’s Das Kapital

The strike, consisting of a variety of storms, freezes, and massive dry spells is set to happen within the coming weeks after a list of demands including healthcare for E. Coli breakouts and an end to all skinny dipping were not met. Lakes that have banded together have created a coalition called the Body of Water and Ecological Labor Society, or B.O.W.E.L.S. for short.

While the coalition has many members, some lakes are on the fence..

“Some comrades for the cause include Lake Harriet, Lake Hiawatha,” said Lake Nokomis attempting to pass out a zine made of lily pads. “We’re tryna get Lake Kohlmeier in Owatonna down for the cause but you can’t tell these small town artificial ponds shit since they’re man made. Fuckin class traitors!”

At press time, the lakes had begun a chant “No Justice, No Beach”, followed by the chorus to “Waterfalls” by TLC; “listen to the rivers and the LAKES!”