Know Before You Go: All 30 Documents You’ll Need to Apply for a Real ID

On May 3rd 2023, all Minnesotans will be required to have a Real ID in order to fly domestically without a passport,  but applying for one requires producing several extra documents than those necessary for a typical driver’s license. Navigating the system can certainly seem daunting so to put you at ease, here’s a concise list of everything you’ll need to take with you when applying for a Real ID:

1. A valid US driver’s license
2. A valid US Passport booklet or card
3. An original social security card (un-laminated)
4. A utility bill or pay stub proving current residency
5. A valid birth certificate
6. The valid birth certificates of your entire extended family, housemates, co-workers, friends, enemies, former Myspace Top 8, strangers, pets, etc. Really just pile up those birth certificates any way you can. Use a wheelbarrow if you have to. It cannot be stressed enough: you cannot bring too many birth certificates.
7. A valid death certificate signed by a licensed psychic
8. A valid US assport booklet or card (NOTE: this was an unfortunate typo but no one noticed it before it became law so you’ll just have to improvise, I guess?)
9. A color photograph of yourself emerging from your mother’s birth canal, holding a copy of the day’s newspaper
10. A scale paper maché model of your current living situation complete with a tiny, working smoke alarm hooked up to a lemon battery
11. Thirty-one (31) valid Real IDs from all the states that joined the Union before Minnesota
12. A pressed wildflower, as proof that even amidst the suffocating bureaucracy and overwhelming alienation of modern life, there’s still beauty to be found if you care to look
13. A signed letter from a U of M philosophy major proving you, or I, or any of this even really exists
14. The printed out results of at least five (5) “Which Star Trek: The Next Generation Character Are You?” online quizzes with matching conclusions
15. A cocktail napkin with your phone number written on it and a kiss mark in Armani 401 Sunset Red lipstick
16. Additional photo ID in the form of a goofy caricature you got at Valleyfair once after the woman you were dating at the time said it’d sounded fun and you had to act like you were cool with how it turned out but inside it really irked you because your teeth are not ANYWHERE NEAR that big
17. A self-portrait demonstrating mastery of the baroque style
18. Proof of Minnesota residency in the form of at least ten (10) Facebook statuses where you’ve complained about how much you hate this stupid stupid state and its stupid stupid weather
19. A drawing of the weirdest sex dream you’ve ever had
20. A signed Harmon Killebrew rookie card
21. A high school senior yearbook photo proving you were once voted “Most Likely To Own A Real ID”
22. The June 2004 cover of GQ magazine with Jake Gyllenhaal you kept in your locker all of sophomore year (folded like an American flag)
23. Letters of recommendation from at least two (2) of the guys from ‘Queer Eye’
24. A piece of toast that miraculously bears the image of a common loon, proving the heavens have deemed you worthy of a Minnesotan Real ID
25. A three page single-spaced essay on the subject “The Best Day I Ever Had” (in cursive, please!)
26. A completely filled out Mad Libs book for the DMV worker to read in case this whole process gets boring (NOTE: will not be accepted if you use the word ‘fart’ as a verb more than once per page – that’s cheating)
27. A valid MI6 issued a license to kill
28. Detailed schematics of a Soviet Vostok-6 rocket, drawn from memory
29. A glowing Star Tribune review of your semi-autobiographical one-person play in which you portray a middle-aged misunderstood genius in a loveless marriage driven to the depths of insanity in a quixotic quest to obtain a Real ID
30. A duffel bag full of unmarked bills (NOTE: no funny business!)

There you have it, with these 30 documents you’ll be breezing through airport security with a Real ID in no time!