Local Woman Wonders When Her Relationship with the DFL Will Move on from the Texting Stage

MINNEAPOLIS — Melanie Harris, a 26-year-old resident of Uptown, spent this Halloween staring desolately at her phone, wondering if her six-week texting relationship with the Minnesota DFL was ever going to turn into something more.

“Someone on Twitter got a dick pick from Jamal Osman,” Harris moaned in a phone interview. “Meanwhile, I asked the DFL if they wanted to talk in person and they sent me a Google Sheet with sign-up times. I just want to be a priority!”

Harris sniffled. “They won’t text me for days on end, and then, out of nowhere, they show up in my DMs asking for money. So last week I got fed up, you know? And I asked, ‘What are we?’ And do you know what they said?”

“They said ‘Reply STOP to stop receiving messages from this number.’ Ugh! Why do men always act like they’re allergic to clear communication?”