MINNEAPOLIS — 24-year-old music aficionado Tyler Engstrom announced that the historic music venue First Ave has officially been canceled for becoming “too mainstream.” Standing outside the very institution he was criticizing after walking out in the middle of Monday’s sold-out Atmosphere show, Engstrom defiantly spoke his truth to an assembly of DID Ambassadors and buskers, pausing only to inhale from his vape pen.
“Look, I’m as bummed as anyone about this,” said Engstrom, “but I am of an age where I am just like, you know, nah, with these pop star production tours. Plus, they don’t allow vaping inside anymore. Honestly, I should have known it was getting too mainstream as soon as they made that edict.”
Pausing to take another drag of his “faded leather” flavored vapor, Engstrom continued, “A couple years ago, when I was in my early twenties, the scene was totally different. You used to be able to see truly dangerous acts like The National and Spoon. Now it’s just a bunch of dads in Bob Mould t-shirts.”
When asked why he had walked out of the show mid-set, Engstrom revealed, “Slug was like, ‘Hey, y’all wanna hear a Juul song?’ so yeah, I loaded up a mega cloud but then Ant starts spinning some acoustic guitars and it’s that Jewel lady wondering who’s gonna save your soul. That hurts, bro.”
Representatives from First Ave and Atmosphere were unavailable for comment.
When asked if he would continue to patronize First Ave, Engstrom said he was looking forward to seeing Motion City Soundtrack at the new Live Nation owned Fillmore. “Live Nation, now that’s a company that knows how to bring real rock and roll back.”