Plans to extend Red Line service from Lakeville to the Twin Cities has been canceled in favor of a newly announced Beige Line, which will begin one-way service out of the city of Lakeville beginning in spring 2021.
“Look, suburbs are breeding grounds for soulless McMansions,” said Metro spokesman Larry Deerdorfe during this week’s press conference. “And Lakeville is like Spanish Fly for McMansions. You know it and Metro Transit knows it. Now it’s time to do something about this inhuman travesty.”
Whipping out a yellowish-brown tablecloth from a nearby table, Deerdorfe revealed a scale model of the Beige Line’s route underneath, exclaiming, “Ta-da! Progress, ladies and germs!”
“All Lakeville residents will board here,” he explained, laser-pointing at the Beige Line’s point of entry. “New train pulls up, taking more residents away until we’ve gotten every desperate soul out of that unholy deathscape.”
When confronted about the lack of trains returning to Lakeville, Deerdoorfe replied, “What are you, crazy? Everybody’s just happy to get the F out of there.”
According to a recent poll, a majority of Lakeville residents tend to agree with Deerdorfe’s sentiments.
“When the cultural highlights of your town are 20 tax prep businesses and a Pizza Ranch, you know you’ve got to rethink your life choices.” – Vann D.
“I lost my job and had to move back in with my parents. Please, for the love of Christ, help me.” – Jake S.
“Every morning, I get people smiling at me and saying, ‘Good morning.’ It’s like being trapped in a Highlights comic strip where everybody’s Gallant.” – Alexis C.
“I moved out here for a job. On my first day, I found out all my work had been farmed out to a call center in India. Now I’m here in an empty room with a phone, a desk and no chair. In Goddamned Lakeville!” – Rita B.
Deerdorfe then went onto explain plans for Beige Line trains once they enter the Twin Cities. “We’ll be destroying them. Just flat-out blowing them up once everybody’s disembarked.”
After a growing murmur in the room, he immediately chimed in with, “Trust me, if those trains could talk, they’d be begging us to put them out of their misery after experiencing that level of suffering. And if two months in office has taught me anything, it’s that you can’t put a price tag on a public service like helping Minnesotans erase the biggest mistake of their lives.”
Depending on the success of the Beige Line, Metro Transit plans a Mauve Line for Faribault and Taupe Line for Owatanna. “Although I’ll be honest here. Those corpse holes might be too far gone to save,” replied Deerdorfe.