Minneapolis Police No Longer Allowed to Do the Thing They Are Going to Do Anyway

Photo by Tony Webster

MINNEAPOLIS — In a stunning rule change, the Minneapolis Police Department has announced they will no longer be pulling over drivers for minor infractions, but will most likely keep doing it anyway. The change is meant to keep officers from racially discriminating, something they technically are not supposed to do but will almost certainly continue doing.

“It’s not fuckin fair that I am not allowed to pull people over for minor reasons like expired tabs or because I’m angry,” said veteran cop Chuck Stevensson. “I mean, I’m still gonna but why am I no longer allowed to? Fucking liberals!”

This change in official policy is being done in an attempt to make the roads safer for Black and Brown drivers who are often victims of police brutality, but Minneapolis resident Patrick Jones doesn’t think this will change anything. 

“A cop once beat me up while handcuffed for having expired tabs. I don’t own a car. I was literally riding the bus.”

The policy is expected to be implemented effective immediately, but will likely only be enforced until the police are caught doing something horribly wrong yet again.