MINNEAPOLIS — Improving his overall wellbeing and inspiring coworkers with his newfound zest for life, Minneapolis police officer Bert Snyder, 54, has taken up a new hobby: demolishing community gardens.
Upon assisting the city in removing the Wince Marie Peace Garden that honored the lives of Winston Smith and Deona Marie, Snyder immediately realized he had a previously undiscovered but profound love of ripping up memorial gardens.
“As soon as stomped on my first sunflower and it practically exploded under my boot, I realized I had the exact opposite of a green thumb,” said Snyder, “truly nothing makes me feel alive and more at peace with the universe than when I’m out there in the dirt holding a defenseless little tomato plant in my hands and tearing it up from the roots while grieving citizens yell at me to stop.”
Snyder has reportedly gone all out on his new pastime, purchasing a Martha Stewart branded sun hat, a custom denim apron that reads “I AM THE LAW”, and a 12-speed Lithium-ion trimmer. Sources say he even subscribed to Fine Gardening magazine to learn the names and ideal growing conditions of all the beautiful perennials he’ll be razing the next time he comes across a memorial garden.
“His doctor said he needs to reduce his stress levels and lower his blood pressure and I really think this garden thing will do that,” said Bert’s wife Margaret Snyder. “The last time I saw him this relaxed and cheerful was the first time he broke a teenager’s arm for loitering outside a mall.”
At press time, Snyder was off-duty and driving around Minneapolis humming Louis Armstrong’s “What A Wonderful World” to himself while on the lookout for a nice looking lilac bush to claim with no evidence is causing “acts of lawlessness and unrest”.