Minnesotan Super Hero Only Saves Citizens He’s Known Since High School


Crisis was narrowly averted yesterday evening when popular Minnesota vigilante, the Loon Ranger, sprang into action and rescued two individuals from a Metro Transit bus after it ran off of an I-94 overpass. Not much is known about Loon Ranger other than that he predominantly rescues those in danger in the Western St. Paul suburbs of Woodbury, Maplewood, and Oakdale.

“A month ago, my office building caught fire and that thing lit up faster than an M-80,” said Maplewood resident Scott Alfson. “I couldn’t get out, so I ran up to the roof and cried for help. Out of nowhere this guy in a loon mask with a grappling gun runs up to me and suddenly we’re swinging to the next building. It was nuts. It’s sad that the guy who just transferred from our Wisconsin office died, though.”

While local police are grateful for the Loon Ranger’s aid, they still maintained that law and rescue operations must be left to the professionals and that vigilantism is still a crime.

“We’ve been tracking him for a few months now,” said Woodbury PD representative Brian Meyers. “But the only results our analysis has established is that all 911 calls the Loon responded to were within a five mile radius and involved those who graduated from Tartan High School in 2006.”

While the Loon Ranger has received nearly universal praise for his actions, some critics question his selective crisis intervention. In yesterday’s bus crash rescue, he left several other victims to fend for themselves.

“Frankly I had no idea those people needed help,” the Loon Ranger said in a rare statement to the press. “I just have a knack to help those who are, you know, super in danger. Does that make sense?”

At press time, the Loon Ranger was seen helping a woman change a flat tire while an overturned car with New Jersey plates laid burning a quarter mile away.