Mississippi River Tearfully Bids Farewell To Graduating Class Of High School Drinkers


With a dramatic sigh, the Mississippi River prepared to part with members of the graduating class of 2019, realizing this would be the final few weeks of seeing familiar high school children struggling back up the slopes after a night spent drinking liquor poured into plastic water bottles. 

“Watching them go never gets easier, no matter how many times I do it,” said the Mississippi, remarking that these aren’t tears, just a bit of river sand in their eye. “You just wake up one day and… they’re drinking at a house party. Indoors!” 

The second-longest river in the United States paused, looking wistfully into the distance. “Jimmy and his friends have been drinking under this bridge since ‘15, so I know him pretty well at this point. I watched them go from stealing beer from graduation parties to figuring out Mikey’s fake I.D. worked – that was such a big moment for them.”

The Mississippi acknowledged that even though some say they plan to return in the future, it won’t be the same. “I know I’m not a bar. I don’t have the tables, lighting, drink selection, groups of new people, or any tangible sense of security and safety. But I’d like to think they’ll remember where they came from.” 

At press time, a hopeful glint could be seen in the Mississippi’s eyes as they spotted a brand new friend group of high school sophomores a half mile north smoking ditch weed and struggling to start a fire.