Grab a piece of paper and a pen and take notes because your mom is coming for your throat! Mommy dearest has officially noticed that the country of the United States of America has somehow rebounded quicker than you from your breakup with that “guy she always had a bad feeling about”.
The criticism came to you over a text from your mom because you “pay more attention to your phone than actually getting out there and finding someone worth bringing to Thanksgiving.”
Your mom explained that she was patient with you and understood that “maybe you needed more time to get yourself together,” but is starting to wonder if she shouldn’t have set the bar so low. She drew many similarities between you and the USA, including the flip flopping on promises, obsession with older white men, and being way too concerned with Twitter.
“Enough is enough,” wrote your mom, presumably after drinking a whole bottle of wine. “Somehow, the whole country can move on and yet, here you are, spending more time reading silly articles on The Nordly than actually doing anything to make yourself worth being a substantial part of the Christmas newsletter.”
She ended her text rant following cutting words, “Get off the couch, take a shower, and take a look at CNN – if after four years of truly awful baloney the USA can start helping itself, you can at least download Tinder and try for once in your life. It’s embarrassing that I’m getting laid more than my kid.”
The Nordly has yet to comment – the whole team is still laughing about how epic that burn was.