New TSA Body Scanner Can Detect Microscopic Traces of Holiday Cheer

An experimental new body scanner capable of detecting and eliminating microscopic traces of contraband holiday cheer will be installed at Minneapolis-St Paul International Airport just in time for Christmas. 

“The holidays can be a time of joyfulness and thanksgiving,” said TSA agent Valerie Sanders, “we’re hoping this new machine can put an end to all that”.

TSA guidelines have long made it clear that cheer of any kind is strictly prohibited on all domestic and international flights but until now, the only way to enforce the rule was for TSA agents to manually target smiling passengers and subject them to extra security measures in the hopes of dampening their good spirits. This imprecise process sometimes allowed expressionless but inwardly happy passengers to fall through the cracks. 

This new system uses state-of-the-art Emoti-Rays to bore deep into the human brain, uncovering the minutest bits of cheerfulness hiding within the folds of the temporal lobe. If cheer is detected, a monitor on the machine will play a four-minute slideshow featuring images of sad dogs with patches of fur missing set to Johnny Cash’s “Hurt”. This serves dual functions because while the video is playing, the line behind the passenger being subjected is stalled, causing extreme frustration and automatically lowering their cheer levels as well.

If the offending passenger is still found to have traces of goodwill towards their fellow man, they are immediately whisked away to a windowless room for a 24 hour quarantine period and put on the no-fly list.

Some critics have expressed concerns about the safety of the new machines but officials insist they are only slightly more harmful than traditional metal detectors. “Besides, a few brain tumors in exchange for an end to the threat of Holiday cheer in our nation’s airports seems fine by me,” said TSA Head David Pekoske.

Passengers leaving from MSP this December are encouraged to arrive at the airport at least three hours before their boarding time with identification readily accessible and their souls already crushed.