Pregnant Churchgoers Desperate to Give Birth Soon so Their Baby Can Play Jesus

Tis the season! Christian families are eagerly throwing up their Christmas trees, and are already buying their Christmas turkeys. Some lucky, soon-to-be parents, however, are preparing for another occasion: that their baby might be cast to play Jesus at their church’s nativity scene.

“Live babies draw more people” says Reverend John Stokes of the United Church of Lutheran Warriors in Oshkosh. “More people means more offerings, and more offerings mean more church vans for our mission’s trips to Mexico or whatever.” Despite the inherent cynicism on display in casting an actual baby in the role of Jesus, having YOUR baby cast is still a huge honor.

“It’s been one of my goals since I was a little girl” says Ashley Moorhead, Lutheran Warrior member since 2002 (baptized 1994). “Grow up, go to college, fall in love while in college, get married shortly thereafter, start career, turn 25, then conceive a child around the end of February—mid March AT THE LATEST—so my baby can lay in a manager in front of the entire congregation.” 

She is right on track with her goals, since as of this writing, she is 8 months and 3 weeks pregnant. “Our timing was off by about a couple weeks” she says as she elbows her husband Rick “But hopefully our sweet gift from God will come out a week or two late so we won’t have to look at Hayley Burghardt’s hideous infant trying to lay still.”

When reached for comment, Burghardt, who was sitting right beside the couple, stated “Our bundle of joy came out 6 weeks early. It’s a real struggle having a premie, especially considering it’ll now look too old to be in that manager. If no one has a child before then, however, it’ll really be an answer to our prayers.”

“We’ve been praying a lot too,” Moorhead quickly continued “in the hopes that this little bun in the oven stays in for extra ripeness so it comes out good and gooey for that manger.” When asked his thoughts on the matter, Rick simply said “I just hope our baby is healthy. And is Jesus.”

They’re not the only ones hoping to have their child featured in the Lutheran Warriors nativity scene. “I didn’t ask for this one” said a woman known to the community as “Margret Moe” in the back of the church, drumming on her 8-month pregnant belly. “I’m not married and wasn’t planning on having children until I was at least in my 30’s. But my religious beliefs are often in conflict with my goals, so here we are!” Making the most out of an unfortunate situation, she says having her child cast as Jesus will at least help convince her parents this pregnancy was immaculate.

“Whether it’s a planned birth or an immaculate conception, we just want to have a newborn baby in that manger, pass around that offering plate to extended families, throw up a Venmo account on our church slideshow, and get that paper” said Reverend John. “I mean…offerings”

Merry Christmas, new parents!