New Vikings Coach Pledges Two Super Bowl Disappointments Within First Five Years

Photo by All-Pro Reels

MINNEAPOLIS — Minnesota football fans were filled with hope this week as the Vikings new head coach Kevin O’Connell announced ambitious goals for the team, including two massively disappointing Super Bowl misses by the year 2027.

O’Connell, 36, wasted no time generating a combination of optimistic naivete and misplaced positivity that Minnesota sports fans will recognize and lap up like a Gjallarhorn full of lukewarm Grain Belt Premium.

“Before 2027, this fanbase will experience a multitude of Super Bowl disappointments,” vowed O’Connell, standing outside the empty Viking Trophy Case at US Bank Stadium. “We’ll be expanding this vast nothingness to include a minimum of two vacant spots for Lombardi Trophies that this team will find new and exciting ways to never, ever possess.”

“And we aren’t stopping there,” O’Connell continued. “The reality is that football futility in Minnesota has been ho-hum for too long. These new Vikings are going to be breathtaking in their boneheadedness. This state, and these fans, deserve nothing less.” Proving his point, O’Connell immediately dropped a pen, banged his head on the podium bending over to pick it up, farted and passed out.