New Vikings Coach Pledges Two Super Bowl Disappointments Within First Five Years
Photo by All-Pro Reels
MINNEAPOLIS — Minnesota football fans were filled with hope this week as the Vikings new head coach Kevin O’Connell announced ambitious goals for the team, including two massively disappointing Super Bowl misses by the year 2027.
O’Connell, 36, wasted no time generating a combination of optimistic naivete and misplaced positivity that Minnesota sports fans will recognize and lap up like a Gjallarhorn full of lukewarm Grain Belt Premium.
“Before 2027, this fanbase will experience a multitude of Super Bowl disappointments,” vowed O’Connell, standing outside the empty Viking Trophy Case at US Bank Stadium. “We’ll be expanding this vast nothingness to include a minimum of two vacant spots for Lombardi Trophies that this team will find new and exciting ways to never, ever possess.”
“And we aren’t stopping there,” O’Connell continued. “The reality is that football futility in Minnesota has been ho-hum for too long. These new Vikings are going to be breathtaking in their boneheadedness. This state, and these fans, deserve nothing less.” Proving his point, O’Connell immediately dropped a pen, banged his head on the podium bending over to pick it up, farted and passed out.
Brian Matuszak has been trying to make Duluth funny for 35 years now through the writing, directing, performing and producing of live sketch comedy revues, as well as scripted plays. His current theater company, Rubber Chicken Theater, will be celebrating their 15th birthday in 2023. He also wrote a weekly humor column for the Budgeteer News, creating nearly 400 columns over seven years. He can be found on Instagram, Twitter and Facebook (@rchickentheater). His interests include geocaching, time with family, and singing along loudly and proudly to Barry Manilow, not necessarily in that order.