St. Paul – Reports are coming in today that St. Paul, once believed to be the metropolitan equivalent of a clumsy, poorly-dressed band geek, known for its oversized glasses and unfashionable ponytail, has proven to have actually been a beautiful city this entire time.
According to sources in the know, St. Paul began to reveal its previously unseeable beauty shortly after becoming involved with Mayor Melvin Carter.
“St. Paul has always been a city dear to my heart,” said Mayor Carter. “I have just been trying to help everyone see what I see.”
This has included getting St. Paul to accentuate its more attractive parts, whether that be its vibrant parks system, its natural attractions, or its kind face that a ponytail pulled back too much and made wrinkled and appear grumpy.
“And it’s not just St. Paul’s physical beauty, either,” emphasized Mayor Carter. “St. Paul has a beautiful mind to show off.” Mayor Carter pointed out the Science Museum and Capitol Building that St. Paul houses. “St. Paul has a love of the natural sciences as well as a keen political mind. Those glasses weren’t a sign of a nerd, but of an inquisitive mind yearning for more, and the contact lenses bring that through without framing the face so awkwardly.”
Rumors have been circulating, however, that Mayor Carter’s intentions are not entirely altruistic.
“Carter only asked to be mayor because I dared him to do it,” claimed Minnesota Governor Tim Walz. “[Mayor Carter] kept saying he could turn any city into a nice place to live, so I dared him to prove it, and gave him the least attractive city I could find.”
Mayor Mark Steffenson of Maple Grove corroborated that report. “Walz dared him to try to make a city with as many potholes as St. Paul seem nice,” mayor Steffenson said. “I never expected Carter to turn into such a wuss, though. He’s actually going to take St. Paul to prom.”
At press time, Mayor Carter had refused to comment directly on those rumors, though he did provide us with this statement: “St. Paul is a wonderful city that has made me a better Mayor than I thought I ever could be. How we originally got together is not as important as where we are going together. And when St. Paul steps out of the limo in that amazing dress that fits much better than their usual paint-stained overalls, everyone will see that she really is a capital.”