NFL TRAINING CAMP: Zimmer, Vikings Devising New Ways to Fuck Everything Up

In a recent press conference, Vikings Head Coach Mike Zimmer told reporters about some of the creative and dynamic ways the team was going to shit the bed this season. “We had the Minneapolis Miracle last year, followed by getting crushed in the NFC Championship Game. We’re looking to build on that feeling of hopelessness and misery in 2018.”

Zimmer explained some of the moves they’ve made in the off-season to ensure they shoot themselves in the foot with a bazooka. “We went out and got a franchise quarterback. However, we did almost nothing to upgrade the offensive line,” the head coach said, describing how the team will effectively pick the peanuts out of the rest of the league’s shit.

With some key contracts set to expire, Zimmer expounded on the team’s desire to step on their own dick. “We need to decide who we can keep and who we can’t. I can assure you that [General Manager] Rick Spielman is working very hard to make sure we’re fucked either way.”

Zimmer concluded the press conference by stating his desire to be mentioned in the same breath as Andy Reid and Marvin Lewis. “I only want to be good enough to keep my job for much longer than I deserve. Never any better.”