OPINION: I’m A Freedom-Loving, Red-Blooded American And I Love It When The Governor Sets My Beddy-Time

There’s been lots of fussing over the past week, all because Governor Walz set a curfew for a few days. Some are calling it ‘draconian,’ some are saying it’s ‘authoritarian abuse,’ others are saying it’s a ‘clear attempt to repress First Amendment rights.’ Well I say, I’m a red-blooded American, and I love it when the Governor sets my beddy-time. 

When my phone pings, and I get the notification that Governor Walz says bedtime is 8pm SHARP, or else his boys and girls in the National Guard will give us a spanking, I feel comforted that someone cares enough to make sure I’m getting my CDC-recommended 8 hours of sleepy time. It’s almost exciting, to speed past the military occupation in our fine city on my way to make it home in time, so I can put on my softest jammies and microwave a glass of milk to help me go down. I’ve never slept so good, even with the helicopters and the flashbangs! 

I don’t understand why everyone is throwing such a fit over the beddy-time. It’s just a beddy-time, how hard is that to follow? Plus, it’s an American governor who’s set our curfew — how can that be repressive of our American freedoms, huh? So I advise all you traitorous ANTIFA brats who just want police to be held accountable, jammy up, turn on that white noise machine, and go to sleep — because the Governor demands you do so!