Report: Apple Orchard Way Better on Mushrooms

Photo by Matthew Rumph

Scientists at the Grand Marais Center for Autumnal Whimsy have discovered that the average citizen’s yearly fall trip to the apple orchard is greatly improved when engaged in tandem with a healthy dose of psilocybin mushrooms.

Test subjects say that it increases feelings of balance with nature and the rhythm of the seasons, an appreciation of the complicated farming methods required in the agricultural endeavor, and especially contributes to the held belief that the test subject not only personally owns the apple orchard in question, but has for literal centuries and different reincarnations, of which this human form is only the current avatar.

“We got free transportation around the field by that wooden spaceship steered by the metal dragon, that was sick,” says one participant, laying starfish form in a mud puddle in the parking lot while weeping skyward in comprehension of the utter grandeur of the universe.

The field test continued on into the adjacent pumpkin patch, culminating in the verbalized fantasy of an incredibly intricate facial portrait of David Lynch’s Elephant Man as a jack-o-latern project, before the inevitable come-down sometime upon reaching home & leaving an uncarved pumpkin to rot on the front porch, along with the previously gathered 247 uneaten apples of nine different unnamable and forgotten varieties.

“I’d declare this test as highly successful,” says Dr. Weltmatch Shumbly, the lead scientist at the GMCAW laboratories. “This year’s evaluation has given us some great results and real insights into the best way to enjoy the seasonal and cultural tradition of psychological preparation for the rhythm of hibernation and survival through winter in regards to the acclimation of produce hoards. The experiment has conclusively confirmed that the best way to appreciate the camaraderie, communal gathering, and beautiful multi-chromatic foliage of these yearly events is to get absolutely rocket-zooted on intergalactic space plants before you go.”

Dr. Shumbly added: “This test went much more smoothly than last year, when we sent test subjects to attend Thanksgiving dinner on bath salts.”