MINNEAPOLIS—After conducting an extensive, 30-year longitudinal, double-blind study that also included a review of all of the relevant literature, senior researchers at the University of Minnesota have concluded to a high degree of certainty that Pennington Lake in Brunswick, MN is, like, really gross.
“Our findings point to strong correlations between people looking at this lake and them saying “ewwww”, says freshwater biologist Professor Catherine Washington, the lead researcher on the team. “In addition, our own qualitative analysis of the lake has confirmed that shit is nasty,” she added.
The report details several different data points that demonstrate that the lake is just, like, super icky. For example, 83% of the lakebed is covered in seaweed that is slimy and feels like a bunch of thin tongues on your feet. Researchers also documented the existence of creatures called “fish” that live in the lake that breathe the same brown water they shit in, greatly increasing the grossness quotient.
Lastly, scientists noted that Pennington held an abundance of cruddy scumbucket fauna and flora that frequented the lake. The report also mentions that “the lake attracts vomitrocious geese, yucky algae, and some dookie-butt turtles”
Scientists hope their findings will one day be used to help others avoid gross lakes. “While I am proud of our research, I want to warn the public,” said Professor Washington “this study only focused on one gross lake. There is still potential for 9,999 other lakes that could be equally as gross.”