Sad! Bike Lane Makes It Impossible for Driver to Go 75 mph on Residential Street

Minneapolis — In an unparallelled tragedy unseen in modern times, local driver Steve Honsmeyer’s commute home was damaged beyond repair after a bike lane was installed.

“It’s just such a convenience. I can get from my apartment to work downtown in seven minutes, but only if I go at least 70,” said Honsmeyer, as he forlorn stared at the two-foot wide painted strip in his detailed Honda Civic. “What am I supposed to do, wake up earlier to get to work on time?”

Honsmeyer is just one of the dozens of drivers that regularly floor it on residential streets, all the way from their Uptown condos to their Tinder dates at North Loop restaurants. Now the senseless addition of this lane reserved for horrid two-wheeled transport makes their previously safe and fun jaunts down 28th street South near impossible.

“One of my rights as a car owner is to put pedal to the metal on any street, parking lot, or slab of concrete,” he continued, “and this bike lane is taking all that away”.

As if totally unaware of the horrid humiliation befalling Honsmeyer, several bicyclists sped through the lane at a dangerous 10 miles per hour.

“The addition of this protected bike lane makes me feel so much safer on my commutes to work” gloated Janice Gregory, who heartlessly pedaled to her job as an ICU nurse.

Meanwhile, a despondent Honsmeyer slowly trudged home at a measly 55 mph.