In the wake of Governor Walz’s stay-at-home order, which bars unnecessary travel and commerce to slow the spread of COVID-19, local night club Sneaky Pete’s has declared itself part of the “essential infrastructure” that must stay open during this time.
“We are an indispensable resource to the local community” said owner Peter Dangle at a press conference held in front of the Warehouse district club, flanked by a team of club promoters solemnly vaping.
Addressing the audience of a handful of light rail riders and pigeons, Dangle argued that the Warehouse District bar is in the same category as grocery stores, pharmacies and medical practices, which are all permitted to stay open.
“In the fight against this disease, it is mission critical that we maintain access to the stickiest dance floors for horny divorcees to grind on each other to Kenny Chesney songs” Dangle continued. “Without us, Minneapolis would lose the necessary infrastructure for members of bachelor parties to get into fights over how much to pay a stripper.”
Dangle fought back tears as he contemplated a world without Sneaky Pete’s.
“Where would scumbag dudes sell cocaine? Where would absent dads go to watch UFC matches while guzzling overpriced Miller Lites? Where would Twins and Vikings fans choke on low-grade meats? A pandemic is not the time to take away these essential services”.
After wiping away tears with a handkerchief displaying the words “Send Nudes”, Dangle composed himself and continued.
“We won’t defeat this virus in a head on fight. We must sneak around it. And that can only be done at Sneaky Pete’s, named one of Maxim Magazine’s best sports bars in the US. FUCK THE PACKERS!”
Dangle then ended the conference in traditional Sneaky Pete’s fashion by throwing up and arguing with a police officer.