MINNEAPOLIS — When Timberwolves made the playoffs in 2018, it was the first time in 14 years, but that all seems like a distant memory with what has transpired over the past two years. Now, a man named Dobus Struvian has come forward to take much of the blame for the NBA team’s lack of success.
“It was I who cursed them so long ago. The time has come that others should know.” Dobus, who speaks in rhyming couplets, admitted.
Dobus is a 984 year-old sorcerer of the dark arts who lives in a cottage outside Blaine. He claims to have put a hex on Star Tribune founder, and Timberwolves owner Glen Taylor in 1992 which would doom his team to years of failure. It appears that the curse has worked better than expected.
“I opened a tavern in 1992 and the Star Tribune wrote a nasty review. I was just trying to sell some mead with mince and was so upset that they were unconvinced!” Dobus explained as justification for his actions. “It turns out nobody really likes mince, though. That is something that I now know.”
This past season, Dobus has expressed regret for his actions. He claims the curse worked far too well. He now says that he hopes the team can improve next season.
“I really thought they’d gotten over my conjuration. It’s sad to see the suffering of Wolves Nation,” Dobus said, exasperated. “It seems like they could do a bit better this year, but, to me, that still seems unclear,” adding that even his dark powers cannot prophesy the future.