Tough But Fair: The Ren Fest Has Announced Anyone Who Makes A Single Fucking Joke About The Plague Will Be Drawn And Quartered

SHAKOPEE — The Minnesota Renaissance Festival has announced that anyone who makes a single fucking joke, jab, or offhand comment that draws a humorous parallel between the various bubonic plagues of yore to the ongoing COVID-19 pandemic will have each of their limbs tied to a different horse and their bodies torn asunder.

“If anyone makes so much as a single goddamn pun about masks or rats, I will personally see to it that their head is put on a spike in front of the jousting track as an example to others,” said the festival CEO Jim Peterson while gnawing on a roast turkey leg, “and also they will be disqualified from the annual Steampunk costume contest.”

In order to enforce the new rule, visitors who attend the fair dressed as a plague doctor will be followed closely by festival staff armed with halberds to make sure they don’t slip up.

When asked about the Ren Fest’s decision to publicly execute fairgoers for joke-telling, Governor Tim Walz said, “I personally think their punishment is harsh but it’s the Renaissance Fair and I have no royal blood… I’ve got no jurisdiction there.”

The Renaissance Festival says that in accordance with Better Business Bureau accreditation standards, all guests who are put to death on fair grounds will have their $29.95 admission fee refunded to their closest surviving relative.